Journaling

Radio Silence

I’ve been realizing that I haven’t been writing so much.
And that’s not necessarily a good thing. Because I know that writing is a huge part of my process. Process of working through my emotions and just figuring out life and what it all means.

I’ve written a blog here and there. But I haven’t posted them. Because the time wasn’t right.
Or they were just too fresh.

But it’s time to start writing again.
It’s time to start letting people into the places of my life that maybe I don’t always want exposed to others, but I know that others need to see.

So. Hopefully this will be the end of my radio silence.
I want and it’s my goal to write more often.

I wrote the following in the past couple of months.
I’m still working through some of it. But it’s good:

 

Have you ever been so angry that it boils up and looks like the raging and roaring rapids of a giant river?

I’ve been walking through a lot of pain and hurt lately.
And my reaction to this pain has been anger.

I’ve been so angry.
Angry and bitter.

But I don’t know where to go from here.
I don’t know how to get out of the roaring rapid of anger.
Other than to just feel it. I’m tired of fighting off the anger and pretending that it’s not there.
Because it is.
And the more I fight it, the more I end up feeling like I’m drowning.

So I’m just going to ride the rapid.

 

My heart has been in such turmoil that I’ve stopped really spending time with the Lord.
I don’t know how to be in His presence right now.
I’m angry at others, and I’m angry at Him.
I’m still talking to Him and sharing with Him.
But I’m guarded.

Because I honestly feel like He’s let all this pain happen, and He doesn’t care.
Now, I know you’re going to say that He does care and that He’s walking with me.

But that’s not what I feel right now.
I know the truth.
But I’m in so much pain, I’m struggling to see past it.

 

People are mean sometimes.
And I’ve learned a very good lesson over the past year of who to trust–who to let have access to my heart.
I’ve learned to be wiser.
And I’ve learned, again, that even people within the church can be hurtful.

Now I’m not saying that I won’t love people or care about others.
But I am saying that I need to continue to search and find trustworthy people.

I’m the kind of person who just wants to let everyone in.
I want to share the deep parts of who I am with everyone.
Because I know that it’s in those deep places that I’m able to speak the most life to others and that I can be the best me.
But I keep learning the lesson that I can’t share those deep places with everyone.
I have to have my inner circle.
My inner circle can’t be huge, it needs to be a select few people who have proven over time that they’re my people.
And I just keep learning over and over about how I can’t expect my inner circle to be bigger than it actually is.

So.
I’m learning.
I’m working through this anger–this pain.
I’m riding through the rapids, working towards forgiveness and peace.

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