Journaling

The Truth of It All

The past few months have been a struggle.

I haven’t been wanting to spend time with the Lord.
I’ve been angry and bitter. And instead of truly wanting to work through it, I decided to just hold onto it.
I’ve let it fester.

But over the past month, the Lord has gently been working on my heart.
He’s been speaking to me–correcting me and prompting me to ask for forgiveness.
I’ve worked through a lot of feelings–I still have a long way to go.
But instead of hanging on to the hurt, anger, and bitterness, my hands are open, and I’m ready for the Lord to take it away.

Yesterday as I was spending some time with Papa, we had a conversation about my heart and what I’ve been walking through.
It’s been a season of pruning and of refining.
But most of all, He reminded me to listen to the truth.

Because I haven’t been.

I’ve been listening to lies from the enemy.
Lies that my voice doesn’t matter.
Lies that I’m worthless.
Lies that I can’t make a difference.
Lies that if I hope and dream for something big, that God will destroy it all.
Lies that I should never dream again.
Lies that I’ll only have miscarriages.

These lies led to fear rising up in my heart and looming over my life like a giant, dark rain cloud. And it left me paralyzed. I was afraid to hope and dream for the future, for my marriage. I was afraid to try new things. I had massive amounts of anxiety rise up whenever plans changed or for no reason at all.

And yesterday, the Lord confronted me about how I had let the lies take root in my heart. And He said that it’s time to start LIVING again.

For so long I’ve just quietly submitted to the wrong voice. It was easier at the time to let the lies of the enemy just fall on me. I was tired of fighting for the truth. I was tired of fighting for who I really am.

But living under these lies isn’t really living at all.
I was merely surviving.

I’m tired of being fearful.
I’m tired of letting anxiety rule so many aspects of my life.
I’m ready to fight again.
I might be tired. I might be weary. But I want to fight for the truth. I want to fight for who I really am. I want to live–boldly.

This is what Papa said to me yesterday:
“Bekah, speak up. Speak out. Stop living in fear of what the enemy has said about you. And instead, live in the BOLDNESS and FIERCENESS that I have placed deep within you. Sweet girl, sing. Stop standing on the sidelines. And step up to sing. LOUD and PROUD.”

As hard as this past season of life has been, Papa has taught me a lot about walking in faith and learning to keep trusting Him, no matter what the outcome is.
Sometimes I feel like Peter when walked on water and then looked at his circumstances and started sinking. He looked up and saw Jesus right there in front of him, immediately. And Jesus asks Peter why he doubted.

I had come out of a spiritually high season–finding and marrying Jon–seeing the Lord’s goodness and provision.
And then we walked into this really hard, dark season.
And I started doubting.

I don’t feel condemnation from the Spirit.
Instead, I feel Jesus’ loving eyes upon me, and He simply asks, “Sweet girl, why did you doubt Me?”

He has grown my faith, and He will continue to grow my faith.
I’m thankful that He loves us. And that He continues to pursue us, even in the midst of our mess, and our doubting.
And I’m thankful that we’re still on the path He’s set out for us, and that He’s so willing to be patient with us.

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